


left behind

by cancerthecrabbo



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Almost a vent fic?, Angst, Depression, Episode Tag: s03ep22 Infantino Street, F/M, Family Relationships - Freeform, Grief, I Made Myself Cry, Infantino Street, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Non-Graphic Description of Vomiting, Progress of grief, Snapshots, Spoilers, Team as Family, and pronouns, cursing, excessive use of line breaks, haha jk im crying, half of the word count is 'he' or 'she', i have sO MANY FEELINGS, reaction fic, short and bitter, survivor's guilt, that was very specific
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-02 16:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10948227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cancerthecrabbo/pseuds/cancerthecrabbo
Summary: Barry keeps true to his promise, and rots away.





	left behind

**Author's Note:**

> There were tears, I will not lie, that episode destroyed me.

He goes back.

 

Of course he does.

 

_“I’m gonna get our girl back.”_

But he doesn’t change anything.  He just loves her more.  Every touch, every look they exchange he makes sure to pour every ounce of love he has for Iris West into it.  His actions are genuine and they hurt to carry out.  His bones are soaked with exhaustion and his lungs feel like he’s drowning in oil.  But he bears it, he shoulders it because one way or the other, his other half is going to be ripped away and he swears on his own life, on the Speed-Force, that he will make her smile.  He will make it so that she knows within her heart of hearts that Barry Allen is hers.

 

He knows she wouldn’t want him to travel back and completely fuck up everything yet again.  So when he cannot move anymore because Iris is gone and he isn’t and Joe looks at him without any anger he thinks of her.  Of the slope of her nose.  Of the arch of her brow.  Her laughter and the way she filled the room with brightness.  And he doesn’t run, because his body is nothing but decay and corruption and she is gone but would want him to stay.

 

* * *

 

It’s hard to wake up before noon. It’s almost impossible to even wake up most mornings because his first instinct is to reach over and kiss the empty space in the bed.  Barry has to wait to build up the willpower to sit up, and then to swing his legs off of the bed.  He waits, breath in his chest, for a warm hand to ease the tension from his shoulders.  When nothing happens, it feels like the air is punched out of his chest.

 

Mornings are hard.  They’re impossible, but so is a life without Iris.

 

* * *

 

Nights are routine.  They’re almost manageable in that way, the way that tedious activities are.  In fact, the throat-scorching screeches that are pulled from his lungs happen every single night without fail – they have become tedious. 

 

He sees himself in a mirror.  The world is only him and his reflection until even that falls away and comes back as a street that stole everything from him.  He sees her, ethereal and loving like a merciful goddess, and then he sees himself again.  But with half of the flesh on his skull warped.  And then he blinks, and he’s behind Iris, reaching forward with a slab of metal and—

 

And then Barry leans over the bed and throws up all over the hardwood floor that he picked out because he knows Iris would love it.

 

* * *

 

When the funeral arrives, the speed he’s reined in over time – the one that feels like home according to his family – bucks and rears against his ribs.  Everyone is there.  The precinct, Arrow’s team, even Supergirl came. 

 

And they tell him it’s not his fault _._   _As if_ he didn’t kill Iris with his own goddamn hands.

 

At one point he stops talking.  He didn’t plan on speaking anyway, but he stops responding altogether when he sees Joe crying.  Barry doesn’t eat for a day and a half after that, and even then he only forces a protein bar down only for Iris.  The beast that is his gnawing hunger is the only thing keeping him from lying in bed for days on end. 

 

He does anyway and ends up stumbling and almost hitting the edge of the coffee table against his temple.

 

* * *

 

If Cisco thought the period after the singularity was the lowest Barry could go, he was wrong.  So wrong, in fact, sheer underestimation could almost be comical if it weren’t for the fact that he could see how the man was withering.  Cisco was incredibly proud of the way Barry was still there for Joe and Wally, for Julian and himself. Cai- Killer Frost was still at large.  Cisco damn near got his hands frozen off by his oldest friend.  Barry had lost the woman he was so obviously meant to hold, to marry, to love.

 

They hold each other close because that’s what family does.  And maybe it’s not enough, but that’s all that’s left to do.

 

* * *

 

One morning, Barry wakes up crumpled on the ground.  There's broken glass on the floor glass and ceramic shards on the other side of the room but all of the furniture is intact.  When he stands and looks around, the picture of him and Iris is easy to see.

 

He remembers, suddenly, becoming so angry at himself and time that the glass of apple juice in his hand ended up shattering, cutting into his palm - and then remembers being even angrier he broke the glass Iris picked out.  Barry tugs the remaining pieces of glass from his palm.

 

* * *

 

 He didn't bother looking through his phone until now.  He didn't care about the news anymore and stopped messaging people because it became difficult to text without making typos.  But he was having one of his better days and decided to try to celebrate Her life inside of wallowing.  And then he saw the video, one he didn't take himself, with the date staring up at him until his finger shook so hard it clicked play.  He was at STAR Labs because at least this time he tries to actively think of his friend's troubles and grief, too, instead of being a selfish prick.

 

Her voice floats through the speakers into the Cortex and with it the strength in Barry's legs.  He's numb for only seconds before tears are streaming down his face and his breath hitches and then Julian is there, kneeling beside him.  Julian holds him up as she says her vows and Barry can barely mumble through the sobs that he loves her.  He goes home immediately after but Cisco and Julian don't let him go alone and he is grateful.  Bawling opening, but grateful.

 

* * *

 

Barry wonders vaguely if things will ever get better.  Some part of his mind is also glad he can't get drunk because sometimes the urge to forget is so strong he wishes,  _god he wishes,_  he couldbut then he thinks of her and gets even angrier at himself for ever wanting to forget Iris.  

 

Some days he goes into the precinct and works as hard as he can before flashes of memories with Iris in here make the computer monitor blur.  Other days he sits, face blank as a slate, listening as the song dances out of the speakers with more affection than he can muster these days.

 

_I am meant to be wherever you are next to me_

_All I want to do,_

_Is come running home to you_

 

* * *

 

He also wonders why the hell Iris West didn't get the happy ending she deserved.  Why did he get to live, when he has so many terrible actions weighing him down?  She was never selfish like Barry, not even as a child.  

 

He had wanted to watch as Iris became a mother and he wanted to be a father.  He wanted to drive her to the hospital and pace around the lobby until he literally wore it down a centimeter.  He wanted to tear up and smile down at their beautiful, perfect baby.  He wanted to love her longer.  That train of thought ends in an entire week without going out of the house.

  

* * *

 

Wally carries a heaviness with him now, too.  Barry wishes he could've saved him from the everlasting guilt.  He wished she was still here with them.

 

Barry has become even more protective of the scattered remains of his team.  He checks in on them several times a day, bringing food and company.  Sometimes he stays when they ask him to, and sometimes he can't bring himself to be with them.  It's hard to be around people at all, but even more so when it's his fault they're so lost.  Even now, after so much time he can't help but reach out for a hand that always settled him, and the lightning inside, only to look around and see Joe and Wally missing the same person.

 

She's gone and there's nothing they can do to get her back.

 

* * *

 

He visits her every day.  He makes time for it because he couldn't when it counted.  He leaves her a fresh bouquet and brushes off any leaves.  He sits or stands in the rain and sun and talks to her about Joe and Wally and Cisco and Julian.  He tells her stories and his wishes and how much he loves her. 

 

The one day he almost forgets in a flurry of work and checking in on his team, he doesn't see a clock until it's 11:30 pm and can't breathe because he swore, _he swore_ , that he would see her every day, that he would do one thing right—

 

The next day, Julian finds him sitting at her tombstone in his crumpled clothes, clutching flowers, and muttering,  _I'm sorry I won't leave you I'm sorry I'm so sorry_.

 

* * *

 

 It doesn't get better.   _He_ doesn't get better.  At least, not yet.

 

* * *

 

Joe's house is filled with the sound of family.  They're all gathered in the living room around the movie Cisco wanted to watch.  He has made an impressive amount of stupid but still bafflingly funny jokes about the movie.  His soda has no ice in it, so it's lukewarm, but he's smiling with Joe and Julian and he's on a roll. 

 

One of the characters on screen does something that prompts a lightning-fast comment that startles a snort out of Barry.  And it's like the sun came out for the first time in years because they're all suddenly beaming at him full-force.  A smile curls on his face and after so long it almost feels foreign, but the way his muscles start to ache because he's been smiling the entire last 45 minutes of the movie feels like riding a bike.  

 

Barry hasn't been okay in months but he thinks he finally has the chance to get there, and he's not alone.


End file.
